April 15th but I go to therapy now

 Much has happened. I've been thinking about mum cause it was her death anniversary and I looked through her blog today. I'm not angry anymore. I know she had a lot going on and was trying her best.

I've been thinking about what people leave behind when they die. Mum's blog. Jonghyun's discography, all the videos of him (for his birthday on the eighth I went out and looked at the moon near the airport. I bowed to it before I left).... When I die, all the notes I left in books will be left behind. If anyone wants to know what I thought about Synners or Parasol Against the Axe or How to be Both, they just have to look in my copy. This blog, too, I should update it when I remember.

My friend was in the hospital for blood clots. She didn't die, but she could have.  I was thinking about how if she died, at least our last memory together would have been good. We made pumpkin soup. When she got sick, I went out and bought masks + tests + hand sanitizer + soup + ramen and left it on her doorstep. I didn't even know she was in hospital until I texted her to see what she was up to (couple days later). When I saw her after she got discharged, she asked for a hug, "but not too tight". We played Uno. I lost. I left when she got tired. I drew the curtains for her first.

 Mum never got help for her depression or her illness. She didn't go to the doctors cause she was scared of what they would say, I think. My friend didn't go to the hospital until her parents told her to over the phone. If she hadn't gone, she would have died. In Jonghyun's suicide note, he says he tried to get help, but it didn't work out.

 I've been thinking about what happens when things go untreated. 

My therapist is real scary. 

I thought I was doing good, but apparently not. I've been in survival mode for a long time and pushing down my emotions  to maintain an appearance of normalcy.

I've been reading The Octopus Man. I think it's good, kind of an accurate depiction of navigating the MH system, but reading is hard right now. I can't focus well.

I've been sad.

The counselor asked me how I'd been and it took me a long time to think of an answer.  

It's like, what's relevant and what am I comfortable telling them and what even have I been feeling cause I've been feeling a bunch of things.

But lately I've been real sad.

I guess cause Jonghyun birthday and mum death anniversary and being lonely in my new course and all the heavy psych topics........ I think the main one is I've been lonely. 

I've been thinking about dying, but I'm not gonna do it. Just thinking about it. Thinking also about how my friends would be sad if I died. And how I have projects to finish. I have an essay due, and I'm doing the podcast, and things might look up if I keep waiting. If I magically become strong enough to come out. I actually feel kind of hopeless around that even though I'm taking concrete steps towards it. 

Going to therapy has made me sad also, but hopefully constructive sad. Worse before it gets better sad. I dunno if I want to talk to my counsellor about any of this. Therapy is real weird and scary. 

In some ways, it's  nice to have someone who genuinely seems concerned about my wellbeing, though. Even I'm not concerned about my wellbeing. They asked about my eating disorder and shit. We did breathing exercises. They pointed out when I was being sarcastic.

Sometimes I write letters to Jonghyun like people would send into his show for advice. I imagine what he'd say in his soft voice.

That's it. I'll be back with more.

Love,